I Want To Be a Coach

I Want To Be a Coach Definition of Me by Stephanie Corfee I found this on my desktop recently, buried in the mess of shortcuts and folders and applications, and I clicked it open and started reading. Written back in February when I was particularly stressed and overwhelmed, this was my release. I remember writing it, reading it, and deeming it too personal for my blog. Now, with some distance, I realize how important it is to show you all that being a Woman of the World (aka full-time entrepreneur) aint always a bed of roses, to show that the smile isnt worn 24/7, and to give you a behind-the-scenes look of what 11 months of entrepreneurship (to the day) looks like at least, what it looked like for me. 2/19/11 I want to be a coach. I want to be an author. I want to be a speaker. I want to be a workshop leader. I want to be a retreat leader. I want to be an e-course leader. I want to be a community leader. I want to be a presenter. I want to be a collaborator. I want to be a television host. But I don’t want to be all those things at once. At least now now. At least not by myself. And that’s how I’m feeling â€" the force to be all these things, with minimal help, whenever they decide to land on my doorstep. And while I feel like a brat for talking about the downside of opportunity, and while it’s so very super nice and wonderful to not have to fight for most of it (please, don’t stop), I’m also getting tired. Tired of exclaiming, “Yes, I’d love to jump! How high?” (But in a nice, appreciative way â€" because I am genuinely appreciative of the offer) Tired of saying, “Yes and…” instead of “No thank you” or even “Let me think about it.” I’d be happy with a “maybe” once in a while, even. Just a “maybe.” Why is a “maybe” so hard? Tired of…being tired. The frustrating part is…I’ve been here. I’ve done this. I’ve been coached on it, through it, behind it, above it, and below it. I’ve created cards and spreadsheets and electronic calendars and written calendars and To Do lists and organizational systems from scratch and signed up for all the new software, but yet…nothing has stuck. And here I am once more, with more bitten off than I can chew, but on a whole new level. A Renaissance Soul through and through, I work best with multiple projects on my plate â€" but I’ve yet to figure out the size of the plate, and when I want each course served. I’m one person. One. And yes, I have a wonderful VA and even a kick-ass PR person, but behind the 5 blog posts a week and the e-course and the renovation show and the speaking gig(s) and the book proposal and the gaggle of clients is, well…me. Just me. Only me. And I can’t run on fumes to give to my clients, my husband, my friends, my family. The fact that there are still people who put up with me amazes me to no end. I’ve been feeling â€" often, lately â€" that I’m not a very good friend, and how hypocritical it is for me to expect so much of others. And while I used to put all of my social engagements above all â€" which I, thankfully, don’t do any more â€" it’s gotten to the point where my business is my excuse. It’s my excuse to have a “normal” work day run to 13 hours, and the excuse as to why I haven’t spoken to my best friend in a month, or why I can’t pick up the phone when my brother calls. It’s the excuse as to why I can’t take a lunch break or make time to exercise or read or see someone in the city on a non-Wednesday. I can’t figure out how valid an excuse it is. And while I know this is the time to work long and hard, to bury my head in the sand and keep going, it’s the opposite of practicing what I preach.   I need to come up for air. I need to not break down in the middle of the day and mutter out loud to myself, “I can’t keep going at this pace”. I need to not say that I can’t wait for the month to be over when it’s two weeks from beginning. Where’s the gray? Where’s the balance? Where’s the breathing room? And why am I so scared to take it? Do I really feel like this is all going to go away? Do I really believe that without the 70+ hour weeks When I Grow Up will crumble to the ground? I’m starting to think that I need to pause my coaching when I work on another project that calls my name. Like, if I wanna write my book proposal I’d stop coaching for 2 weeks to make it happen â€" give myself the space to bang it out without distraction. Same thing with a speaking gig â€" pause my coaching for a week to write it, practice it, feel kick-ass about it before picking up on my regularly scheduled programming. I just thought of taking a whole month off â€" maybe this summer â€" and actually smiled. And by “off” I just mean no clients, no sessions, no deadlines…just me and whatever project that’s calling my name. A time for exercise and business building and self-care galore. I want to yell out, “NO!”, because I love my clients and my sessions (for the most part). But I’m not sure if it’s something where absence makes the heart grow fonder, or just the fact that I can’t give time to certain things I want to give time to (like my book proposal), and that’s the grey area. I honestly don’t know. It’s easy to see what I want, but hard to figure out when I want it, and therefore damn near impossible to figure out how to get it. Not to mention the fact that “busy” is code, for me, for “successful.” So…how can I turn this around? How can I not only embrace but instigate the slowness? And would it even be as peaceful as I idealize…or would it be full of anxious thoughts? I don’t know, and I won’t know until I try. Ill come back tomorrow with a really honest assessment of how things have been going since then, really and truly. A 16-month update, if you will. And can we see already that this weeks theme is Choice? ____________________________________________________________________